I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
