pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
