thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
