My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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