I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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