The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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