I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
