Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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