mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
