Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
