I wish my penis had an off switch
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
