i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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