She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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