I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
