Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
