well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
