my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
