i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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