Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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