When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
