He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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