i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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