Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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