I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
