Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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