sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
