I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I need water and some morals
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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