so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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