You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
