Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
