wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
