Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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