The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
