I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
