Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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