you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
