Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
