She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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