All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
