I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
BRING THE BAGELS
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
