I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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