I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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