Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
