Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
