I accidentally had phone sex last night
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
