i just had sex bonerless
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
