I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
