For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
