I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
