im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
