I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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