Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
