haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
