Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
