so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
