Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
