Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
