I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
