Moan for me like Helen Keller
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize