The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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