Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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