why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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