we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
